This is the time

Finally comes to the final... everything will end soon... New chapter of life will soon start... I am able to live good without depending him now... i guess... Though this is difficult mentally, nth more i can do about this... This is the time, this is the time to leave, Lsya... i do appreciate and gratitude so much the moment that we chat together... Maybe these little chattings meant nth for you, but really a matter for me...

a call from him

After coming back from practicing, i was really really tiring... As usual, i was on my lap top and looking for my best frenz to have some chats... msn-ing was ady in my daily routine... coz i found the joy to share my funny stuffs with them... this is wat i wont do when i was be with him... i seldom share my stuffs with frenz but only with him... yet, i always kept the sad thing to myself and never tell anybody include him...
well, when i was chatting with Papa, a very familiar number was calling me... i didn;t believe my eyes... it was his number that i had deleted... after sometimes, i only picked up and answered.
as usual, i was talking to him with soft voice. he was just concerning my current life. of coz i am much more better and delighted with my life without him! lol... but, i just answered him in so so way... these 10 min call felt like taking few hours... this was a totally different feel...
my Papa asked, "how do you feel now?" i still felt sad and heart pain for him...maybe just a little bit... but, it still made me to cry... i felt pathetic over him now... this is his choice... i can't do anything to help him anymore... i used to be a ever ready gal fren to him, since we are far apart all the time, i will do anything for him if i can help and he needed me. we are different actually. in front of him, i just wont do anything that could make him feeling bad. i wont show the true of i to him. i just want to love him, care him, help him and do everything that i can do for him. just for the sake he happy... just hope that he can approach as a better man... but, all of these were in vain...
most of my frenz said, " he is not worthed for me, he doesn't deserve to have me..." until today, all i need was not al the criticsms on him... but a sincere apologise from him and her... anyway, i shud not care this anymore since i chose to walk away from him totally.
i have all my best frenz, mamacita, papacito and my family there for me all the time...they wont leave me alone in the dark. i knew it. this is ady very very enough for me... i love you guys... yea...

piss off !!!

ish... i really wana ish myself... am i that weak? just a call from him, i can have such nervous reaction... sien yei, why still nervous? just ignore him... he is just a great liar... shud not trust his words anymore... care no more please... no matter wat he did,what he said, what he bull shiting... he does not care and appreciate u last time, so will he now... y still wana have hope on him? he just does not care u at all... he loves nobody but himself... he is bloody selfish... sien yei, forget him... forget him... don be silly enuf...

missing...

hmm... da moments i think of him are getting less now... hmm... but da miss to him is not reduced... love is really blind huh? hehe... he is bad, irresponsible, lies teller, suck, jerk and even fuck since i was hurted by him again after we broke up. i am so silly to trust da words of a great liar again!!! bloody hell!!! however, i still will think of him, miss him somemore... haha... am i still love him?!! am i ? what makes him so impressed on me?! what is that? i wonder... no one can answer me... even i can't answer myself... haha... i have mentioned less in front of my friends now... coz somethings are better left unsaid... coz some may understand me very well, some are not... but, they are right... i am sure... i used to dependent on my friends too much... when i am alone, i start thinking of nonsense again... hmmm... i am now realising that i have to tackle "him" in my heart on my own... no body else but me... yea... my heart is less pain when his shadow is around in my mind... just feel annoying and moody... maybe will start doin something stupid again... lol... hmm... but, life still go on, i know one day i can look back and see how stupid i am now... hahaha...

am i truly recovered?

my frenz, i need ur advices... i really dono wat to do on his birthday... his birthday is approaching ... 2/10/08... my heart beat getting faster and faster... y i still care about him? sigh... i wish i can greet him face to face... but, i am not allowed to do so... i expect no more from him... but, yet i still care about his birthday... the present that i prepared for him so long is still with me... i just asked my fren to hide it... i am so weak... i dare not to open and see it again... all the memories... for the past 2.5 years... i ady cant differentiate whether is true or fake for me... but, it doesn't matter now... i also cant care anymore... pointless... sigh... when only can i let go all of this frustrations?!! when? nobody can tell but i myself huh... or... time will tell me again... i will wait... i sure will wait for that moment to come...

illusions

now, i am getting better and better in the days without him... most of the time, i am busy with my project and chatting with frenz... yet, where is my true feeling to him in my heart? no body know, but i myself know... the pictures of him in my heart are getting blurrer and blurrer... i start forgetting my strong feeling to him... seems like his life has nth to do with me anymore... now, i can't remember the sweet things that we had done before if i forced myself to think of him... i tot this will be good for me, seems like i tot i ady can forget him now... somehow, when i see his existence, i feel so uncomfortable and nervous again... cant calm down at that moment... i am just having repression only... my memory on him is just automatically hide in somewhere else... his memory will definitely popped up to my mind all the time... but, i know what i want and wish to do now... i have to walk away from him now. i will recover. frenz, wait for me... i will go back to u guys... i need time...

no more negative thinkings

i chatted with someone, someone i had never met, someone i will not meet. i feel so glad to chat with him. he made me realizing sth very important. i am so glad and thankful to all my friends who support and help me getting through this hard time. i am so gratitude to all of u... i am sorry to make u guys worry for the past one month. it is the real time for me to wake up. i shud not have second thought of him anymore. ya, love is all around. frenz and family are the best loves to me. they never leave me for a second. they always be there for me. i just forget their existence so long. i am glad now that i still own them fully in my heart. i wan to hold them tightly and never let go of them anymore...